Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Set the record straight.

This day 2 years ago I was given the chance of a future with my beautiful daughter, who at just turned 19 was dying in a hospital bed, too weak to eat or get out of bed, too out of breath to talk, aching with pain and who was simply ready to die.

Then her chance, that no body believed would ever happen and to be frank without the persistence of Dr Helen Barker who battled through red tape, bureaucracy and the medical team who simply said Ellis should be left to die as she was too ill for transplantation, there it was, the chance of getting Ellis back.

Well you all know the story from here, but I need to set the record straight. I am not and have never been the perfect mum, the strong courageous mum, the one without any flaws. I made mistakes, some bad ones. I made wrong decisions and wasn't always there when Ellis needed me. Maybe I was scared, she was turning into a stunning young lady, no longer my little girl and I don't think I knew how to deal with this.

And now, well I find myself stuck between the life I once had and the future, without Ellis in it, and to be honest I don't know how to move forward. Moving forward may mean I will forget her, leave her behind, but being stuck in this place may mean I will lose my future, my son and my family. I'm not looking for sympathy as anyone that knows me knows that isn't me, I'm just trying to explain the scary feelings that I have and that I don't know how to process.

I have always been an optimistic person and hope that I will find my way back very soon. I just can't trick you all into thinking that life is all rosy because it isn't and most of all I can no longer trick myself.

Thursday, 23 August 2012

Darren, transplant buddy.

Hi all, well one year ago today the lovely Darren Salmon lost his fight for life, just one week prior to his first year transplant anniversary. Darren was a lovely man, one of the best, he had a loving family and 3 beautiful children.

We met Darren, just a few days after he and Ellis received their transplants and a great friendship was born. They recovered together, laughed together, cried together and shared an understanding of what the other was going through. They both always had a twinkle in their eyes, a cheeky smile on their face, a wicked sense of humor and a lust for life and laughter.

When in hospital, they would always be together on what became 'their table in the corridor'. This was their place, to laugh and watch the comings and goings of the other patients and staff. The doctors and nurses would always know where to find them. As time went on, and they grew different infections, they were no longer able to mix, but it didn't stop them from standing in each others door ways, until they were marched back to their room!

A little while before Darren lost his fight for life he told Ellis that, when he had to leave, he would send her a white feather, as a sign that he is watching over her. After saying goodbye at his funeral, whilst understandably upset, the whitest fluffiest feather literally came from no where and landed on Ellis. A sign as promised, he would never let her down.

Ellis always knew she had a friend in Darren, as did I, he was always there for us, even though his health was deteriorating. Well I'm sure their friendship remains as they are, once again, continuing their journey together.
                                          Exercising at the Gym in Papworth.  

                          These are Darren's songs, which Ellis loved listening to.