This day 2 years ago I was given the chance of a future with my beautiful daughter, who at just turned 19 was dying in a hospital bed, too weak to eat or get out of bed, too out of breath to talk, aching with pain and who was simply ready to die.
Then her chance, that no body believed would ever happen and to be frank without the persistence of Dr Helen Barker who battled through red tape, bureaucracy and the medical team who simply said Ellis should be left to die as she was too ill for transplantation, there it was, the chance of getting Ellis back.
Well you all know the story from here, but I need to set the record straight. I am not and have never been the perfect mum, the strong courageous mum, the one without any flaws. I made mistakes, some bad ones. I made wrong decisions and wasn't always there when Ellis needed me. Maybe I was scared, she was turning into a stunning young lady, no longer my little girl and I don't think I knew how to deal with this.
And now, well I find myself stuck between the life I once had and the future, without Ellis in it, and to be honest I don't know how to move forward. Moving forward may mean I will forget her, leave her behind, but being stuck in this place may mean I will lose my future, my son and my family. I'm not looking for sympathy as anyone that knows me knows that isn't me, I'm just trying to explain the scary feelings that I have and that I don't know how to process.
I have always been an optimistic person and hope that I will find my way back very soon. I just can't trick you all into thinking that life is all rosy because it isn't and most of all I can no longer trick myself.