Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Set the record straight.

This day 2 years ago I was given the chance of a future with my beautiful daughter, who at just turned 19 was dying in a hospital bed, too weak to eat or get out of bed, too out of breath to talk, aching with pain and who was simply ready to die.

Then her chance, that no body believed would ever happen and to be frank without the persistence of Dr Helen Barker who battled through red tape, bureaucracy and the medical team who simply said Ellis should be left to die as she was too ill for transplantation, there it was, the chance of getting Ellis back.

Well you all know the story from here, but I need to set the record straight. I am not and have never been the perfect mum, the strong courageous mum, the one without any flaws. I made mistakes, some bad ones. I made wrong decisions and wasn't always there when Ellis needed me. Maybe I was scared, she was turning into a stunning young lady, no longer my little girl and I don't think I knew how to deal with this.

And now, well I find myself stuck between the life I once had and the future, without Ellis in it, and to be honest I don't know how to move forward. Moving forward may mean I will forget her, leave her behind, but being stuck in this place may mean I will lose my future, my son and my family. I'm not looking for sympathy as anyone that knows me knows that isn't me, I'm just trying to explain the scary feelings that I have and that I don't know how to process.

I have always been an optimistic person and hope that I will find my way back very soon. I just can't trick you all into thinking that life is all rosy because it isn't and most of all I can no longer trick myself.


  1. None of us are perfect. We do the best that we can at the time with what we've been given (emotionally, physically, etc.). We all make mistakes. . . we're human. If we weren't human none of this pain would even exist. I don't have any idea what you're going through. I can't even imagine. But I will say a prayer for you to find your peace with everything.

  2. As the above poster said, no one is perfect. If I had died waiting or of complications, I know I would be desperate for my mum (for all my loved ones) to go on living their lives.

    I cannot imagine the pain and I know it's easier said than done, however I believe Ellis would want you to move forwards.

    You will never forget her as she is a part of you, but looking to the future is important. Don't stay stuck in the past; she is gone but you can live life, for her as well as you.

    My thoughts are with you.

  3. Your an inspiration and I'm sure she would be so proud of how well your doing! Both very true comments. You know what she would have wanted you to do! And life has to go on, it's not forgetting her it's just adapting to life, she will always be with you and guiding you through it, no1 can tell you what is right or wrong you have to do what's best for yourself! If you was my mum I would be very proud of you and everything you have done! Thinking of you and your family x

  4. Moving on in life doesnt mean forgetting. She will always be in your heart, as she is with all of us. You were her mum and there is a bond there like no other. Being a parent doesnt come with a guide book, my mum often says to me about me sibling where did she go wrong but yet she feels like she got it right with me.

    Your family understand your greiving, there grieving to and i dont think it gets easier but you learn to find a place for it, a place in you mind where you can go every now and then to grieve but it doesnt feel like this heavey weight and ache over your heart all the time. It just takes time.

    I certainly dont know the pain your feeling, losing a daughter well I know how my mum felt when she was losing me. I so glad you got that extra time with ellis.


  5. Just to say thank you for all of your kind words. The fact that you all care enough to spend your time commenting is very humbling, thank you x