My tears still flow.

Hi all, well you may be wondering why I didn't update the blog last month on Ellis's 1 year anniversary well, the truth is, it would of hurt too much. Last Saturday, the 11th May, was the day of Ellis's goodbye service and this coming Sunday, the 19th May is the day that my mum passed away in 2009 and the day that Ellis was accepted onto the transplant list in 2010.  Funny how these dates will never be forgotten and will always remind me of Ellis but there is always something, every day, that makes me think of her. My tears still flow unexpectedly and my heart still skips a beat without warning. I don't want this to change either as it's just my heart and soul reminding me how strong my love for her was, still is and will always be xx

Lisa's words x

This song was chosen by Ellis, to be played at her service. As you know, Ellis's dear friend Lisa recently passed away and she chose this song, among others to be played at her wake. These were Lisa's exact words as to why she chose it.

Forever Young
OK so completely nicking this off Ellis cos it is us! we are forever young! we don't have to worry bout growing old think CF crowd just brought up t live in the moment it's so important cos it goes so quick even if u live t 90

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP5U4rQq3s0&list=UUOjxPe9Y16nZ9UlUgSKsjQQ&index=9

In memory of Gary

In memory of Gary, friend of Ellis, myself and many others, who very sadly could no longer continue his journey here on earth. The final message that Ellis sent him remains in my mind now, more than any other time.  I know that Gary carried her words with him, as he told me that he takes great comfort from her wisdom and is less afraid of what lies beyond as his jouney will be easier knowing he can follow her footsteps.

Fly High Sweetheart

Fly high sweetheart.

Here on earth you could not stay,
you gained your wings and flew away.
In our heart's you will always be,
our beautiful young lady, Lisa Marie.

For Lisa, a friend and guide to Ellis and I am honoured to have been just a small part of your life x

Cáel Harlem Shake

Just a little something that we put together to keep up Ellis's tradition of mucking around and silly dancing  x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6Cj7rx2-wY&feature=youtu.be

Guiding star.

Another month has passed,
since we saw you full of light.
You knew the time had come,
for you to give up the fight.

Now you are at peace,
happy and care free.
Keep on shining darling,
a guiding star for us to see.

It's been a while.

So I know it's been a while since I've updated Ellis's blog but it's not for want of trying! I have tried many times since the new year and even on the 16th of Jan I just couldn't manage to do it. Maybe because it was a new year, a year Ellis would not see, or maybe I'm finally beginning to realise that she isn't coming back.

Sometimes I will sit here, all ready to post an update and have the words all ready in my head but then they just don't come out right or I think 'these are just words, they don't mean anything.'

Well I guess a lot of you have seen the transplant programmes that have been on this week, I actually havn't been able to watch them, just brings everything back. Not that the feelings have ever gone away but you kind of bury them and only let them re-surface when you think you can deal with them.

There was something on TV recently about prisoners on death row and it reminded me of Ellis once saying "I'm like one of those prisoners waiting to be executed, only difference is they are all probably guilty of hideous crimes where as I am innocent.  Therefore they don't have the right to choose the date or time of their death, but I do. I wont be a victim and I will always be in control of my destiny, whatever that destiny will be."

How true she remained to her words.