I've been feeling a bit down and a little bit lost recently, like I've lost control of my own body and mind. I'm loosing myself in my 'illness'and letting it define me, and honestly i don't like it. As much as i convince myself i'm the one still in control, i just feel it's taking over.
When i have good days i try to get out of the house whether it be just a drive, go on a shopping trip or to a restaurant etc but it just makes me realise how little i can actually do, i feel weak and loose a sense of pride when i'm seen in wheelchair/oxygen all though i'm not ashamed of it but when you get people give you 'the look' as in "aww look at that poor girl" I'm not that poor girl, I've had and have a good life, i'm just the same as anyone else, I've probably experienced a lot more than some of them in fact, the only difference is i don't have working lungs like theirs.
Some people have said to me "you've been in this situation before haven't you" does that make it easier to deal with? No. In fact adjusting is always the hardest part. Before transplant i was very ill, i was dying and i was prepared, then when i got my new pair of lungs i had to adjust to the idea of health as it was a whole new way of life for me. Now i'm adjusting back into my old way's it's not as simple as oh it's alright because you've lived like this before, it's a lot harder living like this second time round once you've experienced living a 'normal' life.
Despite this though i was having a chat with 2 CF lads yesterday and i did say to them transplant was still the best thing i ever done, and i still can honestly say i have no regrets.
Now in other news, even though i'm a bit emotional at the mo i'm quite happy too and this is why. I am feeling the best i possibly can be, my health has really taken a step in the right direction these past few days and i'm feeling the best I've felt for a while. It has been a very successful hospital stay hence why i'm still not complaining that I've been in too long although i am getting rather itchy feet (signs of getting better that) I am now confident that i'm going to manage at home, and am going to be able to do a few fun things that I've been planning to do whilst i'm home! So health wise things are looking up for now and i'm hoping my emotions will follow it's footsteps.
Thanks for reading, Ellis x